How a repulsive insect became a nightmarish creature
If you’ve never been in the presence of a flying cockroach, count yourself lucky. Very lucky.
Dalai Lama’s peaceful trademark smile comes from the fact that he never had to walk up to a cockroach resting on a wall, insect-crushing sandal in hand, just to be struck with horror when the brown insect spread its wings and began flying towards him. You’ll never be the same person after going through such a harrowing experience. I’m betting every penny that in such a nerve-wracking situation, the Dalai would run for his life, trampling in the process a nun, 3 little orphans, two grannies, and 6 newborn kittens.
Before I continue, in order not to bore you to death with the term "flying cockroach," I decided to use the terms used in Spanish, Italian, German, etc., to describe such a nasty insect. Thank you.
How the flying cockroach came to be
Why on earth did Mother Nature decide to add wings to a creature that was already capable of making a completely sane adult, strip naked in public? She didn’t. The legend goes that the barata voadora (Portuguese) was created by Ernic Surnio, the modern-day equivalent of a mad scientist. Surnio was instructed by King Antrac Quispa to come up with a way to cure Princess Nezi Quispa of a stubborn hiccup episode that had been going on for a while. Not even eating a mixture of pickled cod, herring, and sardines daily, for the last 2 weeks, had helped the princess. Well, following the king’s instructions, Surnio gathered the finest seamstresses of all the kingdom and had them sewn butterfly wings to 1,000 cockroaches. Next, he locked Princess Nezi in a room filled with the flatające karaluchy (Polish) he’d just created. Good news: Princess Quispa got rid of her hiccups. Bad news: she died of asphyxiation. She got so scared by the horrendous creatures that she began burping nonstop, filling the room with the toxic fumes of the pickled herring, cod, and sardines she had eaten earlier on.
Fun fact
When a cockroach crawls up your pants, your body produces 0.5 mg of fearcyclidine. When a cucaracha voladora (Spanish) is about to land on your head, your body can produce up to 1 gallon of fearcyclidine. Why the huge spike in fearcyclidine levels? Scientists believe the random flight pattern and the sound of their fluttering wings, trick our brains into thinking we are going to die a horrible death.
Feed me, human
While the crawling cockroach feeds on everything you can think of, the fliegende Kakerlake (German) eats nothing but the look of fear from its victims.
Now you see me, now you don’t
If you think that watching a cafard volant (French) landing on the living room curtains is scary, wait until you go into your room to get a flip flop, and then come back only to realize that the hellspawn is no longer on the curtains. Where did it go? If you are like most battle-hardened individuals, you will sleep in your car that night. Do you think I’m exaggerating? Most likely than not, you are always four people away from a person willing to burn his or her house down, just to kill a scarafaggio volante (Italian).
Getting rid of the flying menace
Remember the story about Princess Quispa? A lot of the nasty-winged critters died because of the toxic burps. Only a handful managed to survive by hiding behind a stinky cheese. Moral of the story: If you want to eliminate the flying cockroaches in your house, start eating pickled herring, cod, and sardines, but make sure you get rid of any stinky cheese, first. ☼
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Alex Guerrero is a content creator who lives in Lawrence, KS. He’s very vocal in his displeasure over pineapple pizza. Chocolate, on the other hand, makes everything better!
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