I Was Born Without a Compass Gene

I couldn’t read a map to save my life or my family’s

Cardinal points and folding maps are of no use to me - Photo by Denise Jans on Unsplash

In any Hollywood action movie, the main character will be handed out a little drawing before venturing into the bad guy's evil fortress. Armed with a piece of paper, this person will be able to navigate any secret retreat without getting neither lost or caught. In World War II the Allies used maps printed on cloth handkerchiefs, and they won the fight. In James Bond movies he travels for the first time to some exotic destination, and on that very same day, he outdrives and outfoxes the bad guys in their turf, despite the fact they know their city like the back of their hands. And then there’s me, an individual born without the compass gene.

Just so you understand the impact of not being blessed with a compass gene, when someone tells me “Drive north for five miles,” that doesn’t mean anything to me. If I visit some office complex and they tell me “Make sure you use the east side entrance,” I won’t find said entrance unless they add a useful nugget of information like “Look for the entrance with the flagpole.” When I’m in the basement with my family and we’re talking about the location of nearby restaurants, grocery stores, and gas stations…, I’m always pointing at them in the wrong direction, and my wife enjoys every minute of it. That’s why I removed her from my will.

If you ask me what’s the 21st century’s greatest invention, I don’t have to think twice. It’s the GPS technology. It’s reliable, it’s accurate, and it speaks plain English. None of that southeast or northwest nonsense. Even better, you don’t have to deal with secondary intercardinal directions such as north-northwest and west-southwest. That’s the stuff nightmares are made of for people like me. Last but not least, the GPS freed us from that diabolical contraption created by a rogue group of divorce lawyers: the folding map. Millions of married couples decided to get a divorce because of the constant yelling and bickering that ensued every time they got lost while using the folding map.

If my family ever gets kidnapped and I have to follow a little map to meet the hijackers and hand them the money, well, I better get a new family.☼

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Alex Guerrero is a content creator who lives in Lawrence, KS. He’s very vocal in his displeasure over pineapple pizza. Chocolate, on the other hand, makes everything better!